If you are unsure whether you’re relationship can last, or you have decided to separate or end your relationship, you can still benefit from Couples work. Discernment counselling is a short-term, structured form of couples therapy that’s specifically designed and focused on partners who are uncertain about whether to stay together or separate. It’s particularly useful if you are a “mixed-agenda” couple – where one of you wants to save the relationship while the other is leaning toward ending it.
TLDR:
- A short-term structured Relationship Therapy approach for couples who are unsure if they want to remain in the relationship
- The goal is clarity, not necessarily staying together.
- It’s a way to reflect on personal and relational growth.
- It honours different perspectives, especially when partners have diverging needs or ways of processing.
Key Features of Discernment Counselling
Short-Term (1-5 Sessions)
The goal is not to solve your relationship problems but to focus on and gain clarity on whether you want to work on the relationship or separate.
Three Outcomes
There are 3 possible outcomes that we can reach in Discernment Counselling:
- You may decide to stay together as you are,
- You may choose to separate/divorce, or
- You choose to commit to Emotionally Focused couples therapy for a period of time to seriously work on the relationship.
Individual & Joint Conversations
I will meet with both of you together and individually to understand your perspectives and examine what has led you to this point.
Exploration of Contributions
Each of you is encouraged to reflect on how you have contributed to the relationship’s difficulties. My aim here is to foster personal growth regardless of the decision to stay or end your relationship. We will explore how you can learn to see your relationship challenges as resources for change and ways to improve, any and all of, your relationships in the future.
How It Differs from Traditional Couples Therapy
Traditional couples therapy assumes both partners are committed to improving the relationship. Discernment counselling helps you, as a couple, to decide whether you even want to try. It’s focused on clarity and confidence about where you are and what you want, rather than cultivating a deeper connection and immediate change.
For neurodiverse couples or those in non-traditional relationships, discernment counselling can be especially valuable because it provides a structured way to explore whether the relationship can evolve in a way that meets both partners’ needs.
Discernment Counselling & Neurodiversity
Different Processing Styles: In neurodiverse relationships (e.g., ADHD, autism, etc.), partners often experience communication breakdowns due to differences in emotional processing, sensory sensitivities, or executive functioning. Discernment counselling helps each of you to reflect on how these differences impact your relationship.
Clarifying Relationship Patterns: One of you may feel dismissed or overwhelmed, while the other feels criticized or misunderstood. The process helps both of you to recognize your roles in these patterns and determine if you want to work on them.
Pacing the Decision-Making: Some neurodiverse individuals struggle with impulsivity or decision paralysis. The structured nature of discernment counselling prevents rushed decisions while also keeping the process from dragging on indefinitely.
Discernment Counselling & Non-Traditional Relationships (e.g., Polyamory, Open Relationships)
Exploring Relationship Structures: If one of you wants to open the relationship, while the other is hesitant, discernment counselling can help clarify if there’s room for a shared vision around how that may look.
Understanding Boundaries & Needs: If you and your partner have mismatched needs around intimacy, autonomy, or security which are causing you distress, discernment counselling offers a space to explore whether those needs can be met within the current relationship.
Reducing Shame & Judgment: As a therapist who understand non-traditional dynamics I can help you to navigate the struggles you are going through without defaulting to societal norms that might not apply to your situation.
I welcome individuals of all cultures, sexualities, genders and ages.
