Attachment theory is a psychological framework that helps us to understand how we relate to others, especially in close relationships. This theory suggests that early childhood experiences with our primary caregivers shape the way we approach relationships as adults. Attachment theory can be a useful tool in therapy because it helps clients to gain insight into their patterns of behavior and to understand how their past experiences may be affecting their current relationships.

At its core, attachment theory proposes that all humans have an innate need for connection and security. When our needs for connection and security are met, we feel safe and loved, and we can explore the world around us with confidence. When our needs are not met, however, we may feel anxious or insecure, and we may struggle to form close relationships.

There are three primary attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Securely attached individuals tend to feel comfortable with intimacy and are able to form close relationships easily. Anxiously attached individuals may struggle with insecurity and fear of abandonment, and they may cling to their partners. Avoidantly attached individuals tend to prioritize independence and may avoid closeness in relationships.

Recognizing your own attachment style can be a helpful first step towards improving your relationships. By understanding how your attachment style influences your behavior, you can begin to make changes that will help you to form more secure and fulfilling relationships.

In my work with clients, I use attachment theory as a way to explore the dynamics of their relationships. By helping clients to understand their own attachment style and that of their partner, we can begin the real shift to a non blaming and shaming perspective and move towards more secure and fulfilling connections.

Look at the lists below and ask yourself which of these attachment styles may apply to you. You can repeat this process to try and work out your partner’s attachment style. In a session we will explore how your, your partner’s and your parents or other primary caregivers style of attachment effects your ability to feel safe and form secure relationships.

Attachment Style: Secure

  • Comfortable with intimacy and independence
  • Generally trusting of others
  • Able to effectively communicate needs and feelings
  • Good self-esteem and emotional regulation
  • Comfortable with vulnerability and emotional expression

Attachment Style: Anxious

  • Craves intimacy and closeness
  • Tends to worry about rejection and abandonment
  • Can be clingy and jealous in relationships
  • Often seeks reassurance from partners
  • May have low self-esteem and struggle with emotional regulation

Attachment Style: Avoidant

  • Prizes independence and self-sufficiency
  • May struggle with vulnerability and emotional expression
  • Tends to avoid intimacy and commitment
  • May view relationships as limiting or smothering
  • Often highly self-reliant and self-contained

Attachment Style: Anxious-Avoidant (also called “fearful-avoidant”)

  • Can vacillate between intense desire for intimacy and intense fear of it
  • May have experienced trauma or abuse in the past
  • May struggle with trust and emotional regulation
  • May sabotage relationships to avoid getting hurt

Here are some tips for interacting with individuals with different attachment styles:

For Anxious Attachment Style:

  1. Provide consistent and reliable support and reassurance
  2. Communicate openly and honestly
  3. Don’t play games or be evasive
  4. Avoid criticizing or belittling them
  5. Be mindful of their need for closeness and intimacy

For Avoidant Attachment Style:

  1. Respect their need for space and independence
  2. Avoid being overly needy or clingy
  3. Be clear and direct in your communication
  4. Don’t push them to be more emotionally open than they’re comfortable with
  5. Avoid making them feel trapped or obligated

For Anxious-Avoidant (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment Style:

  1. Be patient and understanding
  2. Respect their need for space and independence while also being available and supportive
  3. Don’t try to push them to be more vulnerable than they’re comfortable with
  4. Avoid being critical or judgmental
  5. Encourage them to seek professional help if they’re struggling with past trauma or abuse.

If you are struggling in your relationships, I invite you to contact me to make an appointment. With time and effort, you can learn to form more secure relationships that bring you happiness and fulfillment.

I welcome individuals of all cultures, sexualities, genders and ages.

Find joy in your relationships and deeper meaning in your life