The SEEKING System: Reigniting Curiosity & Passion in Your Relationship

Understanding the 7 Emotional Command Systems

Neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp identified seven primary emotional command systems in the brain—deep, evolutionary neural circuits that drive our emotions and behaviors. These systems influence everything from how we experience joy and desire to how we respond to stress and conflict. Each plays a unique role in shaping our relationships, affecting intimacy, emotional connection, and communication patterns. By understanding these systems, we can navigate challenges with greater awareness and create deeper, more fulfilling connections.

In this blog series, we’ll explore each emotional command system and its impact on relationships, starting with the SEEKING system—the force that drives curiosity, motivation, and the pursuit of new experiences.

What is the SEEKING System?

The SEEKING system, as identified by neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp, is the brain’s primary motivator for exploration, curiosity, and goal-directed behavior. It drives our need to discover, learn, and experience novelty—whether in our daily lives, careers, or relationships. When activated, it gives us a sense of excitement and engagement, often fueled by dopamine, the brain’s pleasure and reward chemical.

In relationships, the SEEKING system plays a crucial role in attraction, desire, and long-term satisfaction. When it is engaged, partners remain curious about each other, eager to explore new experiences together, and willing to grow emotionally. However, when this system is underutilized or overstimulated, it can lead to stagnation or impulsivity, causing strain on the relationship.

A man and woman sit smiling at each other in front of a car on a dirt road

Challenges the SEEKING System Presents in Relationships

While the SEEKING system is essential for keeping relationships dynamic, it can also introduce specific challenges:

  1. Boredom & Stagnation – If partners stop being curious about each other or fall into repetitive routines, the relationship may start to feel dull, leading to emotional distance.
  2. Restlessness & Impulsivity – Individuals with a highly active SEEKING system, particularly those with ADHD, may crave constant novelty, leading to difficulty with long-term commitment or stability.
  3. Mismatch in Needs for Exploration – One partner may desire more adventure and spontaneity, while the other prefers stability and routine, creating tension over how to spend time together.
  4. Dopamine Dependency – If a person relies too heavily on external excitement (e.g., new relationships, excessive hobbies, or even social media) to stimulate the SEEKING system, they may struggle to find fulfillment in a long-term relationship

How Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) & Intimacy Coaching Can Help

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and intimacy coaching help partners harness the SEEKING system in a way that strengthens their emotional and physical connection rather than causing instability. Here’s how:

  1. Encouraging Emotional Curiosity – EFT helps partners stay curious about each other’s inner worlds, promoting ongoing discovery and deepening intimacy.
  2. Creating Healthy Novelty – Coaching can guide couples in integrating new experiences into their relationship, whether through shared activities, spontaneous date nights, or exploring new facets of intimacy.
  3. Balancing Stability & Exploration – By understanding each partner’s SEEKING tendencies, a coach can help find a middle ground between excitement and security, ensuring both partners’ needs are met.
  4. Addressing Impulsivity – For individuals who struggle with restlessness or impulsivity, EFT provides tools to channel the SEEKING drive into meaningful connection rather than external distractions.

Practical Exercises to Enhance Curiosity & Shared Exploration

Want to activate the SEEKING system in your relationship? Try these practices:

  1. The Weekly Discovery Question – Each week, ask your partner a deep or unexpected question to learn something new about them.
  2. Novelty Date Nights – Plan an activity you’ve never done together before, whether it’s taking a dance class, trying a new cuisine, or going on a spontaneous road trip.
  3. Switch Up Your Routines – If your daily habits feel monotonous, make small changes—walk a different route, cook a new dish together, or surprise your partner with a thoughtful gesture.
  4. Reignite Shared Dreams – Reflect on past dreams or future goals and discuss how you can work toward them together.

The SEEKING system is a powerful force that can either enrich or challenge a relationship. By understanding how it operates and intentionally engaging in shared exploration, couples can sustain excitement and deepen their emotional bond. Through Emotionally Focused Therapy and intimacy coaching, partners can learn to navigate their differences and foster a relationship that remains dynamic, fulfilling, and full of discovery.

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Hold Me Tight Couples Exercise #2

This is the second in a series of exercises which can be found in the Hold Me Tight Workbook A Couple’s Guide For a Lifetime of Love by Dr Sue Johnson.

The acronym A.R.E stands for Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement, which are crucial elements in love relationships. The strength of a relationship is found when we find ourselves asking questions like, “Do I matter to you? Can I reach you? Are you emotionally available to me? Can I rely on you to respond when I need you? Will you engage with me and give me your attention?” These A.R.E. questions often remains hidden under the surface during recurring arguments that revolve around practical concerns such as chores, personality differences, sex, children, and finances. Partners who feel secure and loved can navigate these differences and issues collaboratively, whereas those who don’t tend to channel their relationship problems and fears into constant disagreements.

QUESTIONNAIRE: How A.R.E. You?

Does your partner’s perception of how accessible, responsive, and emotionally engaged you are, fit with your view of yourself and how safe your relationship is? Read each statement and answer T (true) or F (false). You can complete the questionnaire individually, then either reflect on the answers on your own, or discuss your answers together.

From your viewpoint, is your partner available to you?

  1. I can get my partner’s attention easily. T F
  2. My partner is easy to connect with emotionally. T F
  3. My partner shows me that I come first with them. T F
  4. I am not feeling lonely or shut out in this relationship. T F
  5. I can share my deepest feelings with my partner. They will listen. T F

From your viewpoint, is your partner responsive to you?

  1. If I need connection and comfort, they will be there for me. T F
  2. My partner responds to signals that I need them to come close. T F
  3. I find I can lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure. T F
  4. Even when we fight or disagree, I know that I am important to my partner and we will find a way to come together. T F
  5. If I need reassurance about how important I am to my partner, I can get it. T F

Are you positively emotionally engaged with one another?

  1. I feel comfortable being close to and trusting my partner. T F
  2. I can confide in my partner about almost anything. T F
  3. I feel confident, even when we are apart, that we’re connected to one another. T F
  4. I know that my partner cares about my joys, hurts, and fears. T F
  5. I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner. T F
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Hold Me Tight Couples Exercise #1

Welcome to a series of relationship exercises designed to strengthen your emotional bond with your partner using the Hold Me Tight Workbook A Couple’s Guide For a Lifetime of Love by Dr Sue Johnson. As Sue Johnson writes, ‘Love relationships are not bargains; they are emotional bonds based on our innate need for safe and emotional connection.’

GETTING INTROSPECTIVE

Attachment theory underpins the vital role our loved ones play in providing us with a sense of safety and security in our lives. When emotionally distant or unresponsive, we may experience feelings of isolation and helplessness, triggering emotions like anger, sadness, hurt, and fear. Fear triggers the amygdala, the part of our brain that detects danger, and is a natural response that activates when our relationship is threatened. In this state, our actions may become reactive and impulsive, resulting in two common patterns: demanding or withdrawing.

These responses are unconscious and may give us temporary relief, but if they persist, they can create a cycle of insecurity that drives partners apart. As both partners become defensive, they start assuming the worst about each other and their relationship, leading to a lack of safety in their relationship. This delicate dance of panic and fear requires partners to move in sync, or else they risk stepping on each other’s toes.

To better understand your own steps in this dance, try this introspective journal exercise from Dr Sue Johnson. By becoming aware of your individual responses, you can start identifying and addressing the dynamics of your relationship with your partner.

Journal Exercise

Our fears are wired into our brains. Everyone has them. Can you pinpoint or identify your fears? Listen to the feelings you have, and find, at the core, any fear or anxiety that involves being rejected or abandoned by your partner. To help you get in touch with your internal experience, here are a few of the common feelings or qualities of demanders and withdrawers. Check off the ones you resonate with.

DEMANDERS OFTEN FEEL:

  • Frightened of their aloneness; scared they’re not wanted
  • Afraid of being abandoned
  • Frightened of their feelings of hurt
  • Scared of being invisible

WITHDRAWERS OFTEN FEEL:

  • Frightened of rejection
  • Scared of their experience of disappointing their partner-coming up short
  • Afraid of failure
  • Overwhelmed
  • Numbed or frozen with fear
  • Afraid of being judged or criticized

Reflect on and write down what scares you most, and then invite your partner to do the same. Share your reflections with each other.

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