In a long-term relationship, sex can sometimes feel like a “should” rather than a “heck, yes!” Add playful lightness to the erotic space with this exercise from Esther Perel’s Playing With Desire course.

Create an erotic ritual

You can do this exercise in silence or why not put on some music that captures your playful desire. Maybe even have a little dance with your partner to tap into this energy in your body, before beginning the exercise. Dim the lights, light a candle and/or incense to set the mood.

Then, sit down together with your partner. You’ll each need a piece of paper and something to write with.

1. Think of a word or phrase that represents the transition from uninterested to interested in an intimate moment. Maybe “playtime,” “curious,” or “flirty.” Write your word in the center of your piece of paper.
2. Now, think of what this word means to you as it relates to your sexual relationship. What other words or phrases come to mind? For example, “flirty” might conjure up “bold” or “anticipation.” Write down as many of these related words as you can in the space around your center word.
3. When you’re ready, take turns sharing with your partner what your words mean to you.
4. Post your pages somewhere you both can see (like the bathroom mirror). Every time you see your words, it will help you tap into that energetic shift. It will serve as your mood setter.
5. Start date night (your new routine) by picking a word from the list and incorporating it into an invitation (your new ritual): “I’m feeling curious today. How are you feeling?”

Ester Perel’s book Mating in Captivity, while published 20 years ago is still relevant today. A global bestseller, it explores the tension between love and desire in long-term relationships. She examines why passion often fades even in loving partnerships and how intimacy doesn’t always guarantee sexual desire. The book asks key questions about sustaining erotic connection over time—such as “why desire declines”, “whether familiarity kills passion”, and “how parenthood affects intimacy”.